Partings

Ross, over at Halfacanuck, announced last week that he is leaving his wife. It's a disturbing entry - very personal, very troubled - and I've been mulling it over a lot since reading it. I won't go into his reasons, but basically he's walking away because, while there's nothing wrong with the relationship per se, he wants to know what else life has to offer.

While I feel sorry for Ross - his anguish over the decision is obvious - I ache for his wife, who didn't see it coming. Because my husband, now my ex, made the same decision a little over 6 years ago. He wasn't happy (he was never happy for more than 10 minutes at a stretch in the entire 11 years we were together), and he needed something to blame for his unhappiness. First it was school, until he graduated. Then it was work, until he got his ideal job. Then it was where we lived, until we bought a lovely house in a great neighbourhood. Then it was our old car, until we bought a new one. And then, finally, all that was left was the marriage, and he decided that in order to be happy, he needed to be single.

Our daughter was 18 months old.

The months leading up to it were hellish - he'd go for days without talking to me, he blamed me for everything, and I blamed myself because he did. I tried everything I could think of to make it work between us. But when one person decides they don't want to be married anymore, there's not much the other person can do to save the marriage.

In the end, I'm better off, infinitely so. I have Dean, who is so very much the person I want to spend my life with. I didn't realize, until it was all over, how many compromises I'd made, how I had undervalued myself, and how much more I could hope for in a partner. I thought I loved my ex, I assumed what I felt was love. With Dean, I know. It's like living beside a pond all your life, and thinking you know water, then seeing the ocean for the first time.

And my ex? He's still alone, still unhappy, and still has no idea that it's entirely self inflicted.

Me? I got lucky. Very lucky. And I thank whatever deities or fates or karma there are for bringing Dean and me together. We took a while to find each other, but it was worth the wait.

And I hope that, in time, Ross and his wife will find their own happiness.

I hope you all find your own happiness.