What Fresh Hell Is This?

I had a dentist appointment today, one of my all-time favourite activities1. Just a cleaning, but with the anticipation of more to come. There's always more to come - I think I've had exactly 3 checkups in my entire life that didn't require follow-up work. This time, only 23 fillings, 12 root canals, and 48 crowns. Or thereabouts. I'm guessing someone has a 2006 BMW on his Christmas wish list.

After reading Wheelson's post on the subject, I spent a lot of time earlier this week contemplating my flavour options 2. I also noted with interest the comments on some sort of new-fangled ultra sonic thingamabob, and wondered when my oh-so-progressive dentist would ante up for the latest and greatest in high tech gadgetry.

Turns out he already did. My first warning came when the hygienist asked if I was bothered by the cavitron. Now a cavitron, to me, sounds like something an Evil Dentist would use on an unsuspecting population to increase business: All will bow before me and pay tribute or I will unleash the terror of my CAVITRON 2000 upon your village!

It was a rather hideous experience - in addition to spraying water all over the place, the cavitron emits a high-pitched whine, almost but sadly not quite inaudible. And when it hits a crown, it goes up an octave - a sound I don't think humans are supposed to register, but I heard it. I guess I had bone conduction to thank there. At first, I thought it was tolerable - possibly even preferable to the traditional scraping with a rusty pick. At least it seemed to be going faster. But then she started working the molars, and it felt like she was driving needles into my gums with every move. Definitely worse than the scraping.

By the time she finished, I was a sweaty mess, digging holes in the arms of the chair, every muscle clenched. At least it was over, I thought.

I was wrong. The sonic needle of torment was not instead of the scrape-y pick, it was in addition to.

I hate dentists.

1. I lie.

2. Went with mint paste, thinking that was a safe bet, but then had to choose between grape and berry fluoride, neither of which goes well with menthol - next time I'll explore both sets of options before committing.