Neurosis

(Or neuroses - I'm not sure how many I've got.)

I was hit last night by a sudden bout of insecurity, and still haven't figured what's behind it. It was a vague but potent fear, buzzing about my head like a bird trapped indoors, and I couldn't pin it down long enough to identify it. I'm afraid it put a damper on what had otherwise been a fairly pleasant evening.

It happens from time to time. My insecurities all centre around losing Dean - because he loses interest in me and no longer finds me attractive; because he gets tired of my insecurity, my poor housekeeping skills, my aged dog; because he realizes that while he thought I was a perfect match when we met, it's really just that I look good in comparison to his first wife and that he could do much better ... 99% of the time I realize these fears are both groundless and ridiculous, but once in a while, they get away from me and my belief in my own worth collapses.

I'm getting better at identifying what triggers these attacks, and better at dealing with them, but I still have a long way to go before they cease to have any power over me. It takes work, hard work, to regain the ground I lose each time, but it's worth it.